Tweep Nation gets Down with Danni P and Ghetto Chicken

Danielle is a sassy woman who loves writing poetry and songs and she does a great job of it. Our laughing and swearing reaches new heights on episode 33, maybe it’s to compensate for not swearing last week, who can say? Bobbi Jo reads one of Danielle’s songs (she can’t sing) and at the end of the show, for your listening pleasure, is the rap song Danni recorded for us in homage to our gluing-butt-cheeks episode. Press play and enjoy the Tweep Nation ride :).

OMG I’m Rich!

Ok, I just had to share this. I’m still laughing at the irony. If you haven’t seen one of these generous emails, here’s your chance. I don’t have time to write much here because I have to hurry up and provide my details because they don’t know my name, or they forgot to put it after the ‘dear’ because they’re so busy. I can’t wait to be rich, woohoo!

 

UNITED NATIONS

LONDON DESK

140 RINWAY STREET EC4N5T7 LONDON

TELEX:78XX64H,CABLE:E.E.GXX6783

 

Attn:Honorable Beneficiary

 

Dear,

 

This is to bring to your notice that Office of the Payment

Coordinator of Federal Republic of Nigeria has been appointed by the United Nations Organization to pay compensation payments to 100 victims of fraud.

This mandate came after several allegations and petitions was tendered against the government of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and other Offshore Payment Centers across Europe,Asia and America at the last United Nations general meeting in the United States of America.The United Nations Security Council in agreement with the government of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and other affected countries have agreed to pay a sum of US$3,000,000.00(Three Million

United states Dollars)only, each to all shortlisted beneficiaries as compensation before the end of this year 2011.

However,note that your information was listed as one of the

beneficiaries of the compensation exercise.To this development,you are advised to contact the Office of the Payment Coordinator Nigeria Dr Musa Abuganem through email ( abuganem@ymail.com ), telephone 2347080811028 , re

-confirm the  following information below to them for a final verification before payment.

 

Full Name:

Full Address:

Age/ Sex

Tel Number:

 

Yours faithfully

Mrs Inna Johnson

Secretary UN Desk London.

 

 

Life Knocks, Big Bums and Victorian Sponge Cake

Tweep NationOur awesome guest today is Craig Stone – author of The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness.  He is telling us about his new book, Life Knocks.  Amber and I can’t stop laughing because Craig is funny and so are we (I know, I know but I have to convince you).  Don’t just take my word for it, rush on over and download episode number 10, quick, now!

Thanks as well, to all the Tweeps who listen to our podcast, we appreciate that you are as crazy as we are. http://www.newbiewriters.com/tweep-nation-podcast/

A Frightful Trip to the Nursing Home

Hello peeps.  Thinking about what to write and decided on my recent trip to the nursing home to see my demented aunt.  My Aunt’s room is situated on the first floor with other residents who are not quite with it.  She remembers who I am, which is good, but is prone to making statements that are not based in my reality.  A conversation can go something like this:

Auntie incredulous, “Your sister thinks she is 38, impossible.”

Me, “Yes she is.  I’m 40.”

Auntie, “No!  You can’t be.”  She becomes conspiratorial, leaning over to whisper loudly in my ear, “I tell you what, take your passport and go to the bank and they will tell you how old you are.”  She sits back with a satisfied smile.  At least it’s better than when she tells me I, and my children, are all going to become popes or sometimes it’s queens, depending on the day.

Anyway I love going to see her, she still resembles the person I love enough that it’s not too painful, yet.  The frightening thing about my visit this time was when I was trying to leave.  I walked the gauntlet of afflicted elderly people who were wandering the halls.  I had almost reached the elevator when I happened upon three dementees loitering outside their bedroom.  As I tried to walk past one grabbed my arm and, with a grin which I was sure conveyed evil intentions, ushered me into the room.

I was trying to be polite and understanding, so I smiled back and said hello.  The lady just kept smiling her vapid smile and started nodding.  Why was she nodding, oh my, I think I’ve had enough, I need to get out of here.  The other two were now blocking the door and I had to politely, but firmly push through them to get out.  I retained composure, and as much as I wanted to run the final few metres to the elevator, I walked, albeit quickly.

I reached the elevator without further incident,  however there is a key pad which requires four numbers in a correct sequence to call the lift, this is to stop the detainees from leaving.  I could sense something and looked over my shoulder to see they were shuffling towards me.  Were they zombies, OMG!  I punched in the code and willed the elevator to hurry up.  Phew, it came and they hadn’t reached me yet.  I stepped in and pushed the button, but the doors were slow in closing.  I repeatedly punched the button with an agitated finger whilst watching the zombies shuffle closer, they were almost at the door.  Ahhhh!

The doors slid shut.  Thank God I survived and none escaped.  Well, my heart is certainly beating faster after recounting my experience but unlike the spider story, no people, no matter how zombie-like, were harmed during this encounter.  Next time you visit a nursing home, beware!

It’s a Man Thing

Hello everyone!  I’m happy because today I have found my inspiration for another blog entry.  I get ideas then discard them because I think ‘no one wants to read about that’, anyway here is something that at least half my readers will want to read, and I guarantee they will be nodding their head and maybe even smiling as they discover the universal ridiculousness of men.

I have to say that I love my husband and I know he will roll his eyes when he sees this, if he even reads it, but some things need to be said, sorry guys.  My best friend and I often have conversations that start with voicing our latest frustrations with our men and we always end up laughing – great therapy and much better than running away.  Here is my take on men and the silly, silly things they do.

Ok women, you know what I’m talking about.

Number 1 – The man look – this is when he loses something, usually car keys or wallet, and asks if you have seen them.  Upon receiving the answer of ‘no’ he turns everything upside down, possibly ranting towards the end of his ‘man look’, whereupon you go to the most logical place, and find it.  Is he grateful, yes, but he won’t tell you because he knows what you’re thinking.

Number 2 – Man flu – I don’t mean to say how great we women are, but we are.  When we get sick we keep going as best we can because that’s how we are, I even went grocery shopping on the way home from the doctor when I found out I had chicken pox – sorry if I gave it to anyone.  If we are confined to bed we do it with as little fuss and impact on the household as possible.  When a man gets a cold he sniffles and coughs as loud as possible, just to be sure that everyone knows he is really, really sick.  For good measure he also takes his temperature a few times a day and asks the doctor for antibiotics.  Sorry guys, but it’s true.

Number 3 – Leaf blowing (insert gardening, working in the garage) at inappropriate times – A particular example is when visitors are coming.  Everything needs cleaning, food needs preparing, groceries need buying, but where is he?  Blowing leaves off the lawn because he is sure everyone will judge him by the number of leaves that are out of place.  I remember the day we moved into our current house, I was 2 weeks from giving birth, had a 20 month old to look after and had gazillions of boxes to unpack.  I didn’t even have to look for him; I could hear the leaf blower.  When I voiced my displeasure he thought I was being unreasonable.

Number 4 – Home handyman incidents – This must happen to men because women look at something and say, ‘I’ll get a professional in to do this job”.  Men think, “I can do that, it’ll be easy”; my husband has the scars to prove it.  One incident involved an angle grinder and a wall; let’s just say it was a very close call, we almost didn’t have kids.  One day my father got stuck two stories up, on their roof, when the ladder fell down and no one else was at home.  I’m sure you all have your own stories.

Number 5 – Makes up stuff to win an argument – Guys like to think they’re logical and capable of having an argument without being irrational because, lets face it, women are soooo irrational, all the time, and especially in an emotional situation such as an argument.  I don’t think so.  Guys, if you are losing the argument, don’t make it worse by trying to win at all costs and saying crazy things.  Women if you are in this situation, stand your ground, they’ll apologise eventually, even if it takes a couple of days.  My husband and I had an argument, after he forgot it was mother’s day, his accusation when I got angry, “it’s not all about you, you know.”  He did make up for it because he is a sweetie, but why go there in the first place.

Ok, that’s enough man bashing for now.  I am going to give you men a right of reply.  If someone wants to write a response to this, I’d love to post it, feel free to get in touch with me on twitter @DionneLister.  I’m sure we would all love to hear what’s wrong with the fairer sex, we can handle it, can’t we girls, after all, if we can put up with you guys…