The last few weeks at home have been stressful at times. We (my husband and I) have noticed a diminishment of spoons on the premises. Our cutlery holder used to be overflowing with the curvy utensils, but not anymore. Whenever I want to eat yogurt, ice cream or soup, I have to pick one of the few we have left out of the dishwasher and wash it. So I’m going to attempt to answer two simple questions:

1. Where the hell do these spoons go, and;

2. Can I buy some more?

I have some theories on where the spoons go. I was sure one of our possums stole some to eat the bananas they’ve been stealing from us. Possums are neat eaters and quite civilised; they’ve worked out how to open my kitchen window, sneak in and steal my fruit. Another theory is that it’s winter, think soup-eating season, and other people in my neighbourhood have been losing their spoons to possums, so, when I’m out or sleeping, they sneak in and steal a spoon. The third theory, and no, this is not far-fetched, is that I’ve become so famous that fans are sneaking in and taking my spoons, later bragging to their friends that, “Oh my God! This has had Dionne Lister’s saliva on it. Can you imagine? Her saliva! Squeeee.”

Now that I’ve answered the first question, I will attempt to answer the second. You would think that you can buy many things from the supermarket, and, indeed, you would be right. Today I was at said supermarket, and my excitement built when I entered the aisle that said “Blah, blah, blah, COOKING UTENSILS”. I spied the utensil section down the other end.  I pushed my trolley (or cart for you Americans) as fast as I could (only knocking down two pensioners in my haste). Woohoo! I had made it, I was there! But wait. Oh no, oh no, this can’t be happening. Why me? This is what I saw:


NOTE, people, there are forks, there are knives, there’s even a can opener, but where TF are the spoons? Is this an epidemic? Is it a government ploy to send us into the dark ages where not only do we have sub-standard education, we also have to eat ice cream from a cone and drink yogurt and soup from a cup? We will lose a skill, an important skill! Or maybe it’s the cup manufacturers wanting to increase sales, or  the possums went to the source and took over the spoon factory.

Evil, Thieving Possum
Evil, Thieving Possum

Whatever happened, this is now a national disaster! I urge you all to write to your local members and secure a shipment of spoons. Our future depends on it. In the mean time, if anyone would be so kind as to send me some spoons (big or small, I’m not picky), please email me and I’ll give you my address. Thanks :).

15 thoughts on “Red Alert! Red Alert! Where Are All the Spoons?

  1. I’m having a bit of a problem with all silverware. keep in my mind my father has Alzheimer’s, so most of it, I believe, has ended up in the garbage. Possums and fans? Oh goodness, I wish. :o)

    1. Oh, no, your poor dad. I’m hoping America has more spoons than Australia because I plan to eat lots of desserts when I’m there in October :).

  2. “It’s like 10,000 spoons, when all you need is a knife.”

    Which apparently is equal to, or greater than rain on your wedding day.

  3. A friend house-sat last year while we went on holidays. She was very thoughtful and bought us a gift at the end of the holiday. It was a dozen teaspoons, as she couldn’t find any when she went looking. Maybe she thought I had hidden them on purpose, like some bizarre holiday game I was forcing her to play, or maybe it was the possum. Damn that possum! 😀

  4. And here I’ve been blaming the kids for taking them to school with their yogurt and applesauce, then carelessly throwing them in the trash. I’m so sorry, little boys – it was the possum all along!
    I’ve taken to buying huge quantities of mismatched ones at yard sales, so we now have plenty to share with the farm wildlife.

    1. That’s a good idea about buying them at yard sales (we call them garage sales). I’ll have to get onto that, providing the possums haven’t beaten me to it ;).

  5. This had me spitting out my coffee! I think it is a Government conspiracy that has gone viral! I was only saying to my other half the other day “Where the hell have all the spoons gone?” – First Australia, now the UK, wherever next?!

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