Five movie clichés that make me want to chew my own arm off with my grandmother’s dentures.

Like lots of you out there, I love watching movies.  I love funny films, drama, quirky, action – you name it, I’ll watch it, however, there are instances in a lot of movies where I cringe and think, ‘Not again.  Why, oh why is this happening?  Please stop, now!”  Here are my top moments in films where I want to slap the director about the head and scream.

5.  Maybe it’s just me, but why does the gorgeous, twenty something woman with a hot body, awesome personality and face to die for, always fall in love with the fat/old/bald/emotionally retarded guy who was a loser but manages to win her anyway, thus making him into a wonder guy.  Is this reality?  The majority of times, in reality, this only happens if the guy is rich or famous (or both), period.

4.  I love a good gunfight, but in some films the enemies have machine guns and let off thousands of bullets.  Destruction abounds, cars explode, shop fronts shatter, birds drop out of the sky (well almost), but do you think they can hit the hero?  Does being the lead in an action film render the guy with the power to blink in and out of existence when a bullet comes near?  I just don’t buy it, so unless it’s a comedy can someone please be shot occasionally, they don’t have to die, just bleed a little.

3.  I know I might be harping on this, but the portrayal of women.  In how many scenes do we see a woman who has just woken up or emerged from a stressful situation (insert car chase, giving birth, running from a maniac, surviving one of those gunfights) and she looks perfect.  The hair looks just-blow-dried, the makeup is pristine – not a puff of powder out of place, and her clothes don’t need adjusting (she may even have done it all in heels without falling over too).  I don’t know about you, but in any of these scenarios my hair would frizz, I certainly wouldn’t have had time to put make up on and I would be in no state to be in front of a camera – unless it was a wildlife documentary or reality show about frazzled parents who require a total make-over and a decade to catch up on sleep.

2.  In scary movies or thrillers – and you might have guessed this one already – when they hear a noise outside, even at 1 am on a windy, stormy night, they must unlock the door and go out, unarmed and half naked.  Why would anyone do this?  I would be grabbing my mobile and calling 000 (911 if you’re in the US just so you don’t get confused) then let the police get eaten by the zombie or stabbed one hundred times by the psychotic stalker, I don’t want to die.  I mean, haven’t they watched scary movies before, shouldn’t they know what’s going to happen?  On the flip side, maybe they deserve to die because they are so bloody moronic; I know I’ve never cried after one of these idiots has met their fate.

1.  Ok, this is my number one, pet peeve in movies, and the one that happens all the time, without fail.  Every time I see this I want to turn off the tv and abstain from action movies forever.  Drum roll… The fistfight at the end!  They’ve been toting guns, bazookas, shooting out of helicopters and jet-boats, they may even have toyed with the idea of unleashing a nuclear device, but what happens at the end – the freaking fist fight!  This can only happen because when the bullets fly no one gets shot.  It could be because they are such bad shots, or maybe it’s the blinking in and out of existence (as discussed above) but in the end they duke it out with their fists, punching each other into oblivion until our hero (possibly fat, aged and balding) finally and triumphantly delivers the final, movie ending blow.  Maybe this part should just be cut out altogether and they can have letters in large font appear on the screen that say, “INSERT FISTFIGHT HERE.  THE END.”  They could pay the actors less and finish filming sooner.

Well thank you for letting me get that off my chest, I feel a whole lot better now.  I may even have the courage to watch Die Hard again – or maybe not…

41 Comments

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41 responses to “Five movie clichés that make me want to chew my own arm off with my grandmother’s dentures.

  1. Whew – you writing dervish – Is Australia close to Tasmania? I really laughed with this list and completely agree with your movie mistakes list.

  2. Ha, ha, Tasmania is the little dangly bit that hangs off the bottom, kind of like when a cat eats a hair and then… Sorry, Tasmania is a beautiful place lol

  3. Hey you, I just noticed you snuck a wordpress blog in, fantastic job Dionne, I look forward to seeing a lot more from you now you are over on this side ~nods~

  4. THANK YOU!!!! I most definately did not look perfect and gorgeous after I popped my son out… and WTF is up with movies portraying any characture named Amber as either a slut or a dumbass?

  5. zencherry

    Bwhahaaa! Wait. What about the love scene where the guy takes a stroke from way back yonder in twelve FOOT world? I wanna know how she’s surviving it. 😉 Oh ah…maybe we’re watching different movies. 😀

  6. I agree with Zencherry, I want to hear your opinion on love scenes

  7. Dionne your list had me laughing because you are so right! There are a couple more for me – a vilainous person turning up unwelcome at a funeral distracting mourners from their grief, and yes, it’s high time someone mentioned the portrayal of sex in movies/TV shows. How come the camera lingers so long on the woman’s naked body? How come it’s always super hot and never funny, messy or disappointing? Why is there always that cheesy music playing? However, as you are Australian and in the interests of balance, I did really appreciate the delightful rear view of Jonathan LaPaglia in the TV miniseries of The Slap. Just thought I’d lower the tone a little there.

    • Hi Isabel, thanks for visiting! Yes, the women run around naked while the men rarely get their gear off. You can lower the tone all you like lol. We should start a campaign for more gratuitous male bums and six-packs since we all want equality 😉

      • I’ve thought of another cliche – having a British baddie in American films, often with a cut-glass accent not heard here since God knows when. It’s some consolation that the said baddie is usually very intelligent. Do you have any thoughts on all your brilliant Aussie actors who drop the accent? Cate Blanchett, Nicole Kidman, Jason Clarke, and the aforementioned Jonathan LaPaglia – who I’ve just discovered is also a doctor!! Brains and body! Wow. Don’t think I can include Russell Crowe.

  8. Hey Isabel, Lol, yes we think of Brits as being intelligent – that’s funny. I’m so used to hearing the American accents on tv it’s almost like there’s no accent, although I draw the line at Kylie Minogue’s try hard English/Australian accent. The worst American accent I’ve heard is Welsh Actor Ioan Gruffudd (Sorry Ioan, you are cute though) in Fantastic Four – cringeworthy.

  9. I have one more to add – the typical bedroom scene, first thing in the morning after a passionate night of drinking and making love and what do they do? They kiss each other with what can only be the worst morning breath ever – yet they expect us to suspend disbelief as if…

  10. Love your list and I agree! As my 1st novel heads toward full movie production later this year, I think I’ll have to send a link to your post to the executive producer! I don’t want my book’s movie ending up on your 5 movies that did what you hate list! lol Thanks for sharing!

    • Hi Lorna, thanks for commenting! How exciting, your novel is going into movie production – congratulations. What is it called?

      Yes get the executive producer to read my comments and if they need any other advice I’d be happy to help lol.

  11. Hey Dionne, thank you! The first in the movie trilogy is called Imago Chronicles: A Warrior’s Tale. The exec. producer pitched it to the film industry as LoTR & 300 meets The Last Samurai. It’s in pre-production now! 1st draft of screenplay is done, line producer created budget based on the screenplay, majority of production funding secured & we’re now in the process of searching for actors to play principle roles! I trust the production team & the award winning screenwriter did an awesome job on the screenplay. I pray when it comes out, you’ll have no need to gnaw your arm off with your granny’s false teeth! lol

    • The exec producer sure made it sound exciting. Thanks for sharing that Lorna. I’ll be rushing to see it when it is out, and I can tell people I know the author lol.

  12. Great post, but because I am a guy, I must disagree on at least 4 and 1. Having been in a number of epic battles myself (most of which took place in dreams or on X-box 360), there is always a natural rhythm to these things: gunfight, wherein said hero is protected by the force of his mighty charisma, then a downgrade to knives and, sometimes, CV pipe and furniture, then a hand to hand battle because, if guns are able to kill the hero, the bad guy is then left devoid of a true challenge which inevitably results in something akin to “Despicable Me” or some No Limit produced film starring Masta P, Katy Williams, and the Internet.

  13. Why do they not bruise either … thanks for a great blog 😉

  14. Dionne
    Speaking as a podgy, balding, middle-aged and emotionally retarded male who constantly has blonde nymphettes throwing themselves at him, I can only agree with some of this blog post. Oh, whoops! Time for my medication!

  15. authoraamir

    Dionne!!! Know the feeling and you may not know this, but in Bollywood movies, clichés are the norm! But the Indian Cinema is evolving. Now they are making very realistic, creative, think out of the box ideas. Thoses who think they can stil register a lot of box office collections feel going cliché is the way. I hate it! Lol. But loved this post very much. Thanks for sharing my good person. : )

  16. I’m annoyed when the female star on the run awakes in a lousy motel room and isn’t at all flustered that the hair an make-up fairies have come in the night to work on her while she slept. With that much lipstick, you’d think at least some of it would be smeared on the pillow.

  17. No. 5 – I obviously don’t watch these movies LOL
    No. 4 – it depends, were you watching The Matrix? Cause you know, about the blinking in and out….

    You know what I hate? The psycho maniac breaks into the house, she clubs him with a baseball bat – and then runs away! don’t run away! Keep hitting him with that bat untikl he’s unmoving, lifeless pile of bleeding meat!

  18. Okay, one of my fave cliches is when a nasty villain finally manages to push the hero/ione over a cliff. Do they check if the hero is dead? NOOO. They lean over the cliff and mutter “I’ve trekked half way round the globe trying to kill this chosen one, ever since they were a tiny chosen baby. I’m just going to ASSUME they’re dead before I begin my 12 week trek home to Nasty Castle.
    😉

  19. Pingback: 7×7 Link Award | The Mad Reviewer

  20. Oh, you’re funny. Clicked on your blog post about The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty that @RachelintheOC tweeted. I had to venture a bit further. Ha! Chewing your own arm off with your grandmother’s dentures.

    #1. Yes, just saw Expendables 2…love Stallone. But men with their macho reverence. Oh please! In the real world, what honor? Someone would’ve been shot, stabbed or mutilated before the first weapon dropped, especially in the city streets I’m from. So I’ve chalked it up to a “a movie man’s thing.” And then I do the McKayla Maroney “not impressed” expression.

    • Lol, thanks for exploring my site, glad you enjoyed what you found :). I didn’t mind the first Expendables, even though it was so cheesy. I’ll have to check out the second one over the break. I guess it’s more fodder for my rants ;).

  21. I am surprised that you guys missed the most fantastic cliche in the film genre- the available parking space. I have lived and worked in the some medium sized american cities and 99 percent of the time you would spend more time hunting for an on-street parking space unless the villain pulled into a parking lot and then you’d have to hunt up a quarter to a dollar to get past the guard gate. God only knows what it would be like in a real metropolitcan area.

    • OMG! You are so right. I’m laughing now, because I can just imagine them driving around and around in the movie and arguging about the fact they should have got there earlier if they wanted a space lol!

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