Five movie clichés that make me want to chew my own arm off with my grandmother’s dentures.

Like lots of you out there, I love watching movies.  I love funny films, drama, quirky, action – you name it, I’ll watch it, however, there are instances in a lot of movies where I cringe and think, ‘Not again.  Why, oh why is this happening?  Please stop, now!”  Here are my top moments in films where I want to slap the director about the head and scream.

5.  Maybe it’s just me, but why does the gorgeous, twenty something woman with a hot body, awesome personality and face to die for, always fall in love with the fat/old/bald/emotionally retarded guy who was a loser but manages to win her anyway, thus making him into a wonder guy.  Is this reality?  The majority of times, in reality, this only happens if the guy is rich or famous (or both), period.

4.  I love a good gunfight, but in some films the enemies have machine guns and let off thousands of bullets.  Destruction abounds, cars explode, shop fronts shatter, birds drop out of the sky (well almost), but do you think they can hit the hero?  Does being the lead in an action film render the guy with the power to blink in and out of existence when a bullet comes near?  I just don’t buy it, so unless it’s a comedy can someone please be shot occasionally, they don’t have to die, just bleed a little.

3.  I know I might be harping on this, but the portrayal of women.  In how many scenes do we see a woman who has just woken up or emerged from a stressful situation (insert car chase, giving birth, running from a maniac, surviving one of those gunfights) and she looks perfect.  The hair looks just-blow-dried, the makeup is pristine – not a puff of powder out of place, and her clothes don’t need adjusting (she may even have done it all in heels without falling over too).  I don’t know about you, but in any of these scenarios my hair would frizz, I certainly wouldn’t have had time to put make up on and I would be in no state to be in front of a camera – unless it was a wildlife documentary or reality show about frazzled parents who require a total make-over and a decade to catch up on sleep.

2.  In scary movies or thrillers – and you might have guessed this one already – when they hear a noise outside, even at 1 am on a windy, stormy night, they must unlock the door and go out, unarmed and half naked.  Why would anyone do this?  I would be grabbing my mobile and calling 000 (911 if you’re in the US just so you don’t get confused) then let the police get eaten by the zombie or stabbed one hundred times by the psychotic stalker, I don’t want to die.  I mean, haven’t they watched scary movies before, shouldn’t they know what’s going to happen?  On the flip side, maybe they deserve to die because they are so bloody moronic; I know I’ve never cried after one of these idiots has met their fate.

1.  Ok, this is my number one, pet peeve in movies, and the one that happens all the time, without fail.  Every time I see this I want to turn off the tv and abstain from action movies forever.  Drum roll… The fistfight at the end!  They’ve been toting guns, bazookas, shooting out of helicopters and jet-boats, they may even have toyed with the idea of unleashing a nuclear device, but what happens at the end – the freaking fist fight!  This can only happen because when the bullets fly no one gets shot.  It could be because they are such bad shots, or maybe it’s the blinking in and out of existence (as discussed above) but in the end they duke it out with their fists, punching each other into oblivion until our hero (possibly fat, aged and balding) finally and triumphantly delivers the final, movie ending blow.  Maybe this part should just be cut out altogether and they can have letters in large font appear on the screen that say, “INSERT FISTFIGHT HERE.  THE END.”  They could pay the actors less and finish filming sooner.

Well thank you for letting me get that off my chest, I feel a whole lot better now.  I may even have the courage to watch Die Hard again – or maybe not…