Tag Archives: Humour

Red Alert! Red Alert! Where Are All the Spoons?

The last few weeks at home have been stressful at times. We (my husband and I) have noticed a diminishment of spoons on the premises. Our cutlery holder used to be overflowing with the curvy utensils, but not anymore. Whenever I want to eat yogurt, ice cream or soup, I have to pick one of the few we have left out of the dishwasher and wash it. So I’m going to attempt to answer two simple questions:

1. Where the hell do these spoons go, and;

2. Can I buy some more?

I have some theories on where the spoons go. I was sure one of our possums stole some to eat the bananas they’ve been stealing from us. Possums are neat eaters and quite civilised; they’ve worked out how to open my kitchen window, sneak in and steal my fruit. Another theory is that it’s winter, think soup-eating season, and other people in my neighbourhood have been losing their spoons to possums, so, when I’m out or sleeping, they sneak in and steal a spoon. The third theory, and no, this is not far-fetched, is that I’ve become so famous that fans are sneaking in and taking my spoons, later bragging to their friends that, “Oh my God! This has had Dionne Lister’s saliva on it. Can you imagine? Her saliva! Squeeee.”

Now that I’ve answered the first question, I will attempt to answer the second. You would think that you can buy many things from the supermarket, and, indeed, you would be right. Today I was at said supermarket, and my excitement built when I entered the aisle that said “Blah, blah, blah, COOKING UTENSILS”. I spied the utensil section down the other end.  I pushed my trolley (or cart for you Americans) as fast as I could (only knocking down two pensioners in my haste). Woohoo! I had made it, I was there! But wait. Oh no, oh no, this can’t be happening. Why me? This is what I saw:

IMG_1552

NOTE, people, there are forks, there are knives, there’s even a can opener, but where TF are the spoons? Is this an epidemic? Is it a government ploy to send us into the dark ages where not only do we have sub-standard education, we also have to eat ice cream from a cone and drink yogurt and soup from a cup? We will lose a skill, an important skill! Or maybe it’s the cup manufacturers wanting to increase sales, or  the possums went to the source and took over the spoon factory.

Evil, Thieving Possum

Evil, Thieving Possum

Whatever happened, this is now a national disaster! I urge you all to write to your local members and secure a shipment of spoons. Our future depends on it. In the mean time, if anyone would be so kind as to send me some spoons (big or small, I’m not picky), please email me and I’ll give you my address. Thanks :).

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Piss-Funny Writing-Related Podcast—Tweep Nation

tweeplogofinal

Ok, so the heading is a tad crass, but that’s what you get when you listen to Tweep Nation. Amber Norrgard and I have been recording Tweep Nation for the past year and a half. Every week we interview authors and we’ve been known to interview a musician and next week is an artist. I guarantee this podcast will teach you something and make you laugh (maybe at the same time). We discuss writing, publishing, life and any manner of inappropriate things (too inappropriate to name here).

Just a word of warning, or maybe this will be the thing that makes you listen, we do swear and ruin things for people: fairly floss has been likened to clown pubes, we will make you paranoid about wee germs in public toilets, one of our guests lost his virginity to a midget in a threesome, and some of our guests have shot people (so has Amber, come to think of it).

If you’re still intrigued and need a laugh, you can download the awesome Tweep Nation podcast from iTunes, Stitcher and Newbiewriters.

Ciao, and beware the wee germs.

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Shadows of the Realm—Bloopers

While writing Shadows of the Realm and A Time of Darkness, there were times when my characters would embarrass themselves and they begged me not to include those scenes. I have, up until now, kept them secret, but I’ve decided to do a ‘bloopers’ series. This is the first excerpt from that series. Please enjoy my characters stuffing up on the job.

INSIDE THE MOUNTAIN IN VELLONIA, CITY OF THE DRAGONS—MORNING

Bronwyn, Blayke and their creaturas entered the vast dining hall.  One of the long timber tables was set with a farewell breakfast. Pancakes, fresh strawberries, gozzleberries, fried bacon and the extra-large eggs of the Vellonian eagle—cooked sunny-side up—lay enticingly upon platters on the tabletop. Bronwyn breathed in. “Yum. That smells delicious.” She sat on one of the large bench seats, legs dangling, while Sinjenasta lay behind her chair, the large panther having enjoyed his haunch of venison outside earlier. Blayke sat opposite, grabbing his fork and stabbing into a pancake, dumping it into his plate before spreading a clump of butter on top. Fang, the rat, peeked out of Blayke’s pocket and took the small piece of pancake the realmist offered him.

Zim, the black dragon prince, entered as Blayke shoved a forkful of pancake into his mouth.

“Good morning, my friends. How did you sleep?”

“Good thanks,” said Bronwyn as she scooped strawberries onto her pancake. “I’ll be sad to leave today.”

“We’ll be sad to see you go, young realmist. I’m sure you’ll be back one day.”

“I hope so.” Bronwyn smiled as Zim sat next to her and spiked a piece of bacon with one claw, an egg with another, popping them into his mouth. “Mmm, this is good.” Suddenly a loud rumble rolled through the dining hall. “Oops. Excuse me.” Zim’s dinner-plate size eyes looked from Bronwyn to Blayke and back again.

“Oh my gods! Did you just … um, pass wind?” Bronwyn coughed and covered her mouth and nose with her hand.

“Wow, that stinks!” Blayke snatched another pancake and stood. “I’m gonna have to finish this outside.”

Bronwyn’s voice was muffled by her palm. “I’ll join you.”

Wait for me said Sinjasta.

“I’m sorry. Come back. It’s not that bad, is it? Really?” Zim sniffed as he watched them hurry out. Suddenly alone, he surveyed the food. “I’m going to have to stop eating eggs, at least when we have company. Oh well, I have no company now, and this food won’t eat itself.” The dragon reached over towards the eggs…

 

 

 

 

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A Crumby Christmas that Ended with a Fantabulous Dragon

Vacuum the hall with the Dyson cleaner, fa la la la la la, la la la la, tis the time to try and get leaner, fa la la la la, la la la la. So that was Christmas. Did I enjoy the leap from pre-Christmas to after Christmas? Well, read on and find out. Christmas Eve started with the line for the seafood—an Aussie thing as it’s hot here at Christmas. My thirty minutes in the line wasn’t so bad, though, as I had my iPod and Twitter to keep me amused. I don’t think I bothered anyone too much with my dance moves, well not until I smacked the guy in front of me with a flailing arm at which point one of the bouncers on the door gave me a warning (ok, I might be exaggerating just a little, but there were bouncers, hence the need for me to treat it as if it were a nightclub).

The line

The line

So, having survived buying the seafood, I moved on from Christmas Eve to Christmas morning, which I spent mopping and vacuuming, bleaching the toilet blah, blah, blah, only to have the place dirtied within five minutes of people arriving, as crackers were munched and crumbs fell, peppering my carpet like cat litter at a demented cat-lady’s house. After I scooted around on the floor picking up the bits, while other crumbs rained down on my head from ignorant family members, I managed to get lunch on the table. Everyone ate their weight in seafood and ham, and following Newton’s law of no action without an equal and something-or-other reaction, I’ve put on a couple of kilos. One of the culprits of my increased buxomness was the staple of Aussie cakes, the pavlova—or, as we like to call it, the pav (see below and try not to drool).

The Pav

The Pav

 

After the family rolled to their cars, and the kids were in bed, I opened my present from one of the most awesome friends I’ve made on Twitter. This person wants to remain anonymous, but I say thank you all the same. I was gifted with a handmade t-shirt of one of my favourite books of all time. Can you guess? Ok, I’ll tell you. It’s Shadows of the Realm, my best-selling (ok semi-best-selling) fantasy book with dragons (I have to put in those words for the SEO, you know how it is). Behold me in all my dragon covered glory…

Me looking snazzy in my book cover

Me looking snazzy in my book cover

But, alas, today the pav is all gone, the crumbs have been banished and the diet has started. I did enjoy Christmas and look forward to doing it all again next year. I want to wish everyone an awesome year for 2013 and thanks for visiting my blog :).

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Six-monthversary of Tweep Nation (& Amber wears chaps)

Welcome to Tweep Nation’s six-monthversary! We made it to 26 episodes without losing all our listeners—what an accomplishment! Listen in as we reminisce, argue about days of the week, I read my Tweep Nation poem and Amber reads her birthday poem to Justin Bog. This episode is all about the love—the love we have for all the guests who have been subjected to our questionable sense of humour, and the love we have for our awesome listeners. Knowing our listeners are out there listening makes us feel all happy and special :). THANK YOU! xx

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Life Knocks, Big Bums and Victorian Sponge Cake

Tweep NationOur awesome guest today is Craig Stone – author of The Squirrel that Dreamt of Madness.  He is telling us about his new book, Life Knocks.  Amber and I can’t stop laughing because Craig is funny and so are we (I know, I know but I have to convince you).  Don’t just take my word for it, rush on over and download episode number 10, quick, now!

Thanks as well, to all the Tweeps who listen to our podcast, we appreciate that you are as crazy as we are. http://www.newbiewriters.com/tweep-nation-podcast/

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Podcast 9! Whispers From the Other Side – Oh Hang On That’s Just Amber In The Cupboard

Ah we’re at it again but this time with technical difficulties. Amber talks too much to I tied her up and locked her in a cupboard. Our guest, Barry Crowther didn’t seem to mind so all’s good. He’s a successful noir crime/thriller author and his book covers are amazing (so are his books Amber assures me). Join us to hear some rational, informative conversation for a change – well it was for a while anyway. http://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/tweep-nation-amber-dionne!/id499120247

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