What if Twitter Were ‘Real’ Life?

Twitter. I love Twitter but it’s only as good as the people frequenting it. After an automated DM tonight from a person I followed, who hasn’t yet followed me, I decided to vent (although I’m giggling too). Some of the scenarios on Twitter are annoying but would be even worse if it were equated to something that could happen in our physical ‘real’ lives.

The automatic DM came through straight after I followed this person (as they do) and it politely said “nice to meet you, blah, blah, blah” I responded with “Nice to meet you too” but my message was blocked because, of course, they weren’t following me so I couldn’t respond. How stupid. It made me feel like someone ‘special’, maybe a famous actor or singer, had yelled hello at me from across the street and when I went to answer, the minders surrounded me, their beefcake, black-clad arms pushing me away, shutting me down, “No talking to the celebrity. They can talk to you but you can’t talk to them. You’re not special enough. You’re a ‘follower’ they’re the ‘followee’. I would of course say “But, what…?” They would put their hand over my mouth and threaten to take me to the Justin Bieber concert that’s playing down the street, all while the celebrity in question walks away and says hello to the next unsuspecting follower.

The person who follows you. You follow back. They unfollow. This happens because people want to appear to be one of ‘the special ones’ heretofore knows as TSOs. They end up with a ridiculous follower/followee ratio. I weed these people out with justunfollow.com. Yes, I’m petty and I’m watching you; all of you. So don’t act like you’re better than me cause that just gives me the shits. The scenario, if played out in real life, would go something like this: there’s a large group of friends, they all take turns hosting a dinner. TSO turns up to all the dinners and drinks the most, vomits on your carpet, pisses on your toilet seat and goes home. When it’s their turn to host the dinner, a postcard turns up in your letterbox. It’s a photo of TSO, who’s waving from a camel while riding past some pyramid or other. Bastard.

People who aren’t even following you tweet you a “Hello, nice to meet you” with a link to their book attached. WTF? I don’t know you, I don’t give a shit about your book. I want to write this, and I also want to say piss off, but I don’t because I’m too polite. This is like being accosted in the street by someone asking for a donation or wanting to tell me about the end of the world while shoving some colourful brochure up my nose. While the paper is attacking my face like a swarm of moths looking for the nearest light bulb, I’m politely backing away while holding my hand up in a gesture of defeat. I smile and run. That’s what I’m doing to you on Twitter, I’m running away and you know how I said I’ll check out your book? I won’t.

Hmm, the alcohol’s wearing off now so I’d best go. Hmm, justunfollow.com here I come.

Tweep Nation has a Casual Catchup with Susan May

Today for episode 38, Susan May, author, movie and book reviewer extraordinaire, gave us the lowdown on JK Rowling’s new book The Casual Vacancy. We also discussed which movies to see and which to avoid. Amber’s a bit sick so she was unusually quiet until she voiced her objection to doing ‘Days of the Week’—she sure expended some energy then. Susan’s a friendly Aussie who had us laughing, but don’t ever ask her to mind your pets ;). Please join us for the usual laughs and some unusual ones.

Amber & Dionne explore Bellybuttons, Jeebers and Ordainment with Author Donna Cavanagh

Another chukleworthy episode of Tweep Nation. Our guest today is author and journalist, Donna Cavanagh. I’ve actually reviewed her book, Try and Avoid the Speed Bumps, on my website. I loved her book. She’s a funny lady so it’s no surprise that we share the same birthday ;). Topics discussed today include being a reverend, bellybutton displacement, Jesus and his robe and the godawful reality tv show Honey Boo Boo (I’m shuddering as I type this). One last thing—please, if you enjoy our show, vote for us in the Stitcher podcast awards. We are always hoping for more listeners, and we need your help :). Thanks guys, hope you enjoy this week’s show!

Try and Avoid the Speed Bumps but Don’t Avoid This Book

Donna’s the man! Well, maybe not the man, but The Woman. She’s hilarious! While reading this book, I pretty much had a smile on my face the whole time and I laughed out loud, or for you social media whizzes I lol’d. Her take on every-day situations, some of them ridiculous in themselves and just waiting for someone to take the piss (that’s an Australian term for those of you who don’t know—it means to make fun of) was freakin’ hilarious. She covers everything from avoiding speeding tickets to contemplating a career as an animal psychic. There is something here to make everyone laugh. The only thing I could say Donna has not done successfully is avoid those speed bumps, but she sure bounces over them in style.

I gave it 5 big, round… speed bumps.

Tweep Nation ep 36 – Drop Bears and Hippo Races Down Under

Wow! We’re up to episode 36. How did that happen? It’s just Ambie baby and I this week. Amber tells us a bit about her road trip and I say some silly stuff and make her laugh (unusual I know). Find out some of the weirdo things some foreigners think about Australia, the great land Down Under, and what is the unique skill Amber has when it comes to men? Hope you enjoy this week’s episode! If you don’t like to download off iTunes we are now located on Stitcher.

Amber & Dionne get the Giggles with Charity Parkerson

Serenity now! Amber was at our guest’s house for this Tweep Nation podcast and god it was hard work! It was like being the only sober person in the room or the only adult in a daycare centre *sigh*. I did survive, though, barely. Bobbi Jo popped in to keep me company for a few minutes—I wish she’d stayed. Listen in to hear what erotica writer, Charity Parkerson, is up to at the moment. Please forgive us for this podcast.

Rayne Hall Brings out the Best in Amber & Dionne

 

Today, on episode 32 of Tweep Nation, we are joined by author, writing teacher and editor Rayne Hall. There are a couple of first for this show.

Number 1: Rayne is the first guest with a German accent and

Number 2: There was no swearing.

What? I hear you ask. No swearing. How could that be, it’s Amber and Dionne we’re talking about. Well, Rayne was so polite that we were too. Don’t let that stop you listening though, because we’re still all very interesting, especially when I reveal the extent to which my Alzheimer’s has progressed.

Amber & Dionne’s Cat Fight Over Ben Ditmars

This week, on episode 31 of Tweep Nation, we entertained Ben Ditmars and he entertained us with his amazing poetry. He’s an author who has self-published four books. We tried hard to talk about him but as you know, we have trouble sticking on topic. We managed to talk about roadkill, sex changes and school (interesting combination don’t you think?). Join us for another hilarious and informative episode. I’d also like to thank Bobbi Jo for saving the day at the last minute and doing Days of the Week.

Amber & Dionne Give Kelly Calloway a Crash Course in Tweep Nation

He, he, our guest today, on episode 30, was the fabulous Kelly Calloway: poet, English teacher and beauty salon owner. Boy did she have some hilarious stories to tell that involved waxing, butt cheeks and tents.

Bobby Jo gave an impromptu reading. We didn’t expect her to turn up, but Amber asked and wouldn’t you know, she was close by. We also found out that Miss Kelly hasn’t actually listened to our show before (off to the naughty corner with you!). We were able to set her straight on what goes on and I’m sure she’s a convert now. There is a lot of snorting on today’s show, so have an extra bottle handy. Get those shot glasses ready and turn on Tweep Nation.

Hallelujah! It’s Tweep Nation with Reverend Amber, Dionne, Mark and Deena

Gee, is it that time again? Another week, another Tweep Nation podcast. This time we were joined by Deena Schoenfeldt and Mark Rice. After the shock of Amber’s confession wore off, we almost saw our first marriage on the podcast. It was also the first time we discussed getting your novel translated-it’s actually happening for Mark. His book Metallic Dreams has had some amazing reviews and is being translated into Greek! Deena runs ebookbuilders-a site dedicated to helping indies format their hard work into a book that looks gorgeous on a kindle. So join as as we giggle and groan our way through another fun episode.