Tag Archives: funny

Twitter Idiots at it Again — Somebody Save Me!

Hello peeps. Today I’m giving birth to a blog post about Twitter born out of frustration. I know there’s a million of these posts out there, but obviously there aren’t enough because idiots keep being stupid. Yes, I know it’s an idiot’s job to be stupid, but can’t you please be a little less stupid even if it’s only sometimes? You are doing my head in! This morning, one of these idiots who works for none other than Morons Incorporated, tweeted me. How is that offensive, you might ask? I’ll break it down and you can decide for yourselves.

The background on our relationship:

  • I had never met this person before
  • He wasn’t following me
  • I wasn’t following him
  • He has never RT’d me or said hello

What could he possibly tweet me that inspired me to do a blog post? This:

Please help promote my novel: XXX (I don’t want to promote his book) on Amazon Kindle.

Which he had apparently been directly tweeting everyone else non-stop. That’s all this guy tweets, and it’s known as SPAM (in case I haven’t been clear). After receiving my reply — Are you serious? I don’t know you, we don’t follow each other. You need to learn some manners & how to use Twitter #notcool — he actually managed to tweet an original tweet: one of his first ever!  What I need is compassionate and understanding fellow authors who are willing to help eachother. Thanks, anyway.

My heart bleeds for you, it really does. Someone hand me a tissue before I drown in tears.

I had to reply, of course: I help authors who get to know me before they ask for favours. There are ways to do things — not that he will ever get it. I think he’s been working at Morons Incorporated far too long.

It’s been said before, and I’ll say it again: get to know people on Twitter before you ask for favours, or RT them, they may just RT you back. Pretend that it’s like real life and you actually have to be polite to someone and not think the world owes you favours left, right and centre. When you do it as this guy did, you just shit people and then they have to waste time doing blog posts about how much you shit them, and then they report you for spam 🙂 (that smile represents the satisfaction I felt doing that this morning). Ok, I think it’s out of my system. So, if you see anyone on Twitter who is from Morons Incorporated, maybe tell them to visit my blog so they can receive some good advice. They probably won’t take it, but we’ll all feel better that they’ve at least been told.

Well, that’s it for me, I need chocolate. Ciao :).

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Red Alert! Red Alert! Where Are All the Spoons?

The last few weeks at home have been stressful at times. We (my husband and I) have noticed a diminishment of spoons on the premises. Our cutlery holder used to be overflowing with the curvy utensils, but not anymore. Whenever I want to eat yogurt, ice cream or soup, I have to pick one of the few we have left out of the dishwasher and wash it. So I’m going to attempt to answer two simple questions:

1. Where the hell do these spoons go, and;

2. Can I buy some more?

I have some theories on where the spoons go. I was sure one of our possums stole some to eat the bananas they’ve been stealing from us. Possums are neat eaters and quite civilised; they’ve worked out how to open my kitchen window, sneak in and steal my fruit. Another theory is that it’s winter, think soup-eating season, and other people in my neighbourhood have been losing their spoons to possums, so, when I’m out or sleeping, they sneak in and steal a spoon. The third theory, and no, this is not far-fetched, is that I’ve become so famous that fans are sneaking in and taking my spoons, later bragging to their friends that, “Oh my God! This has had Dionne Lister’s saliva on it. Can you imagine? Her saliva! Squeeee.”

Now that I’ve answered the first question, I will attempt to answer the second. You would think that you can buy many things from the supermarket, and, indeed, you would be right. Today I was at said supermarket, and my excitement built when I entered the aisle that said “Blah, blah, blah, COOKING UTENSILS”. I spied the utensil section down the other end.  I pushed my trolley (or cart for you Americans) as fast as I could (only knocking down two pensioners in my haste). Woohoo! I had made it, I was there! But wait. Oh no, oh no, this can’t be happening. Why me? This is what I saw:

IMG_1552

NOTE, people, there are forks, there are knives, there’s even a can opener, but where TF are the spoons? Is this an epidemic? Is it a government ploy to send us into the dark ages where not only do we have sub-standard education, we also have to eat ice cream from a cone and drink yogurt and soup from a cup? We will lose a skill, an important skill! Or maybe it’s the cup manufacturers wanting to increase sales, or  the possums went to the source and took over the spoon factory.

Evil, Thieving Possum

Evil, Thieving Possum

Whatever happened, this is now a national disaster! I urge you all to write to your local members and secure a shipment of spoons. Our future depends on it. In the mean time, if anyone would be so kind as to send me some spoons (big or small, I’m not picky), please email me and I’ll give you my address. Thanks :).

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Piss-Funny Writing-Related Podcast—Tweep Nation

tweeplogofinal

Ok, so the heading is a tad crass, but that’s what you get when you listen to Tweep Nation. Amber Norrgard and I have been recording Tweep Nation for the past year and a half. Every week we interview authors and we’ve been known to interview a musician and next week is an artist. I guarantee this podcast will teach you something and make you laugh (maybe at the same time). We discuss writing, publishing, life and any manner of inappropriate things (too inappropriate to name here).

Just a word of warning, or maybe this will be the thing that makes you listen, we do swear and ruin things for people: fairly floss has been likened to clown pubes, we will make you paranoid about wee germs in public toilets, one of our guests lost his virginity to a midget in a threesome, and some of our guests have shot people (so has Amber, come to think of it).

If you’re still intrigued and need a laugh, you can download the awesome Tweep Nation podcast from iTunes, Stitcher and Newbiewriters.

Ciao, and beware the wee germs.

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Shadows of the Realm—Bloopers

While writing Shadows of the Realm and A Time of Darkness, there were times when my characters would embarrass themselves and they begged me not to include those scenes. I have, up until now, kept them secret, but I’ve decided to do a ‘bloopers’ series. This is the first excerpt from that series. Please enjoy my characters stuffing up on the job.

INSIDE THE MOUNTAIN IN VELLONIA, CITY OF THE DRAGONS—MORNING

Bronwyn, Blayke and their creaturas entered the vast dining hall.  One of the long timber tables was set with a farewell breakfast. Pancakes, fresh strawberries, gozzleberries, fried bacon and the extra-large eggs of the Vellonian eagle—cooked sunny-side up—lay enticingly upon platters on the tabletop. Bronwyn breathed in. “Yum. That smells delicious.” She sat on one of the large bench seats, legs dangling, while Sinjenasta lay behind her chair, the large panther having enjoyed his haunch of venison outside earlier. Blayke sat opposite, grabbing his fork and stabbing into a pancake, dumping it into his plate before spreading a clump of butter on top. Fang, the rat, peeked out of Blayke’s pocket and took the small piece of pancake the realmist offered him.

Zim, the black dragon prince, entered as Blayke shoved a forkful of pancake into his mouth.

“Good morning, my friends. How did you sleep?”

“Good thanks,” said Bronwyn as she scooped strawberries onto her pancake. “I’ll be sad to leave today.”

“We’ll be sad to see you go, young realmist. I’m sure you’ll be back one day.”

“I hope so.” Bronwyn smiled as Zim sat next to her and spiked a piece of bacon with one claw, an egg with another, popping them into his mouth. “Mmm, this is good.” Suddenly a loud rumble rolled through the dining hall. “Oops. Excuse me.” Zim’s dinner-plate size eyes looked from Bronwyn to Blayke and back again.

“Oh my gods! Did you just … um, pass wind?” Bronwyn coughed and covered her mouth and nose with her hand.

“Wow, that stinks!” Blayke snatched another pancake and stood. “I’m gonna have to finish this outside.”

Bronwyn’s voice was muffled by her palm. “I’ll join you.”

Wait for me said Sinjasta.

“I’m sorry. Come back. It’s not that bad, is it? Really?” Zim sniffed as he watched them hurry out. Suddenly alone, he surveyed the food. “I’m going to have to stop eating eggs, at least when we have company. Oh well, I have no company now, and this food won’t eat itself.” The dragon reached over towards the eggs…

 

 

 

 

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Tweep Nation Rocks the Depend now We’re LIVE

tweeplogofinal

Ok, you can say it: Dionne’s been lazy. I’m sorry but I’ve been so busy I didn’t post last week’s awesome Tweep Nation Podcast on my blog *holds hand out for a smack* (I originally typed ‘for smack’ but that just sounded wrong). Anyway, last week, episode 44, we entertained author Jason McIntyre. He was so cool (loved the Canadian accent) and he was super obliging and married Bobbi Jo on air with Amber officiating in her reverend capacity. Unfortunately Bobbi Jo had to leave when her dealer came to the door.

This week was our third live-streamed show, and Dance on Fire author, Jimmy Garcia, agreed to be our victim. His second book has recently been released, Flash Point, and has a super interesting premise. You should check it out :). He was patient and listened while Amber and I talked sex drive, spooky whistling and what constitutes being a slut. Oh dear, will we ever behave? (I think not, so don’t hold your breath).

You can listen on all the usual places (iTunes, stitcher and Newbiewriters) or you can join us live, at the time of our demise, every week—Friday night US time, Saturday morning Aus time. If you join the live chatroom we can see your comments in real time. We’d love to see you there cause it rocks! Look out for times on @TweepNation1 as we’ll update it every week (as times can change) :).

 

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Get Your Trenchcoats—Amber & Dionne go Live with Damien

This week we went live! That’s right, we had a live audience. Our guest was Newbiewriter host and host of the awesome Newbiewriters website, Damien. Damien’s doing Movember, so support him if you can, he also has a wicked sense of humour and we covered interesting topics such as neighbours having affairs, to, what if people were built like octopi, and how to make pitching your book easy, which may or may not involve bringing a mask to the interview. It was loads of fun to address our listeners’ comments as they typed in the chat room, so thank for joining us (you awesome peeps know who you are). Lucky for everyone else, it is recorded and available at the usual places: itunes, newbiewriters and stitcher. Enjoy episode 43!

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Amber & Dionne get Serious with Author Edward Lazellari

Our Awesome guest on Tweep Nation today is traditionally published author, Edward Lazellari. He’s a New York author who is about to release the second book in his urban fantasy series. The first book, Awakenings, was super awesome (look out for my review). He’s worked as an artist for Marvel Comics and apparently he’s the reason Amber failed geometry—listen to find out why. Edward also has some great advice for those of you who dream of being successful at writing. An inspirational and entertaining interview. Don’t miss it! Go now! (sorry, was that too bossy?)

Just a reminder, if you can’t listen on iTunes we’re also on Newbiewriters.com and Stitcher.

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